Awesome. I absolutely love having to feel guilty about getting another job. You win the award for most supportive boyfriend, hands down. No question.
Dick.
So not looking forward to giving up my beautiful mac…
nothing gets better. it’s all a fucking lie. it’s just shit piled on top of shit piled on top of shit, and we call it life. right when you think you’re in the clear, and that things might actually work out for once, there’s another goddamn shit storm coming in your direction.
You know it’s been a successful winter of eating like shit and rarely exercising when you try on your shorts from last summer and they still fit. See, laziness really does pay off.
I’m sorry I can’t do more for you. The best I can do is sit and listen while you cry. Sympathy isn’t my strong suit, but I’m still trying.
Why the fuck aren’t I asleep right now? It’s way too early to be awake. I don’t think I even got 4 hours of sleep. There’s no reason for me to be so awake. What the fuuuuuuuckkkkkk…
While I was on a moped ride with my boyfriend yesterday, he said something that completely caught me off guard; he told me I was “such a girl” as I was giggling (yes, giggling, there is no other adequate description) on the back of the moped with my arms wrapped around his torso. He assured me it was a good thing, but I wasn’t entirely sure, it’s not a descriptor I’m accustomed to hearing. I wouldn’t go as far as calling myself “one of the boys,” but I was never particularly “girly” either.
I was thinking about this as I was walking out of Target earlier, while sipping on my venti java chip frappuccino after buying make-up remover, body creme, a mud mask, and new nail polish (none of which I went in with the intention of buying, I just wanted new rain boots, which weren’t in stock). As I was reflecting on my unnecessary purchases of the day, I was forced to face up to the fact that I really am “such a girl,” and oddly enough, I’m okay with that.
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to avoid the negative stigma of being too girly. No, I’m not going to scream if I see a spider, and I’d rather not have some big strong man help me open the peanut butter jar that’s been screwed on just a little too tight, but why should I be ashamed of wanting to appear feminine? Maybe I like to smell fantastically fruity, maybe I’m dying to try the under eye dark circle correcting cream that I refrained from buying today, and maybe I’m firmly convinced that there’s no such thing as having an excess of shoes. And really, what’s so inherently wrong with wanting to be pretty? I personally enjoy feeling good about my appearance on occasion.
Bottom line: femininity can be fun, so why the fuck should I be ashamed of mine?
If you have every intention of blowing someone off, why not just do it right away? Why make the plans, and then just stop responding completely? Seriously, so much worse.
I found a blog I started a year ago and completely abandoned… Weird thoughts.
Most days I feel like I think too much. More than too much, actually. It’s as if my thoughts are trapped in this endless cycle, like a dog chasing its tail. I’m hoping starting a blog will fix that. I’m hoping it will give me a place to spill my thoughts, to throw them into cyber space. Whoever happens to read them, that’s their business. This is for me, and this is nothing more than an attempt to maintain my sanity.
It isn’t that I’m insane, because I’m not. Well, I’m not any more insane than anyone else. After all, everyone’s at least a little bit crazy, right? Some are just better at hiding it. I’m excellent at hiding it. It’s a useful skill, at least outwardly, but inwardly it’s starting to seem self-destructive. Maybe, just maybe, typing it all out occasionally will help me realize that what I’m thinking is perfectly normal. I guess the opposite could be true, though: that what I’m thinking isn’t normal. Scary thought. I’d rather not think about it, although I’ve thought about it countless times before. I mean, how am I supposed to know if what I’m thinking is normal? How am I supposed to know if everyone else is thinking of the same types of things, and here I am, over-analyzing the shit out of everything I see or hear. It can’t be healthy, to delve so deeply into everything. I’ve tried explaining my thoughts to people before, and they say what I say makes sense (if that made any sense), but they also say that they don’t really think about it that much. So maybe the things I think about are perfectly normal, but the extent that I think about them is what sets me apart. Realistically, though, I’m being kind of egocentric to think that what I’m thinking isn’t the exact same thing that other people are thinking. I mean, I’m not special. No one’s special. Everyone is exactly the same. Not exactly, obviously. You know what I mean. Maybe not. It’s like everyone is exactly the same in the sense that nobody is the same, we’re alike in our uniqueness, which is what allows people to blend in so effortlessly. That’s one of my main objectives in life, to blend in. I succeed pretty damn well if I do say so myself. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s tapping into my extensive wallflower skills (I’ve been actively practicing them my entire life). That’s probably not something to be proud of, but it’s not like I’ve ever felt like I was missing out on anything. I’m not even sure what I would have missed out on at this point. Love? Maybe. If it exists. But I reallllly don’t want to start that thought process again, on account of the fact that it kept me awake for hours last night. I don’t know.
This will probably prove to be a waste of time, but I can’t really think of anything else to do. I can’t keep thinking all the time. I need to learn how to turn off my thought process. Is that even possible? To just stop thinking? Because, really, that seems ideal at this point.
I wish there was a way to cancel some of my brain waves without cancelling my life.
It isn’t that I’m insane, because I’m not. Well, I’m not any more insane than anyone else. After all, everyone’s at least a little bit crazy, right? Some are just better at hiding it. I’m excellent at hiding it. It’s a useful skill, at least outwardly, but inwardly it’s starting to seem self-destructive. Maybe, just maybe, typing it all out occasionally will help me realize that what I’m thinking is perfectly normal. I guess the opposite could be true, though: that what I’m thinking isn’t normal. Scary thought. I’d rather not think about it, although I’ve thought about it countless times before. I mean, how am I supposed to know if what I’m thinking is normal? How am I supposed to know if everyone else is thinking of the same types of things, and here I am, over-analyzing the shit out of everything I see or hear. It can’t be healthy, to delve so deeply into everything. I’ve tried explaining my thoughts to people before, and they say what I say makes sense (if that made any sense), but they also say that they don’t really think about it that much. So maybe the things I think about are perfectly normal, but the extent that I think about them is what sets me apart. Realistically, though, I’m being kind of egocentric to think that what I’m thinking isn’t the exact same thing that other people are thinking. I mean, I’m not special. No one’s special. Everyone is exactly the same. Not exactly, obviously. You know what I mean. Maybe not. It’s like everyone is exactly the same in the sense that nobody is the same, we’re alike in our uniqueness, which is what allows people to blend in so effortlessly. That’s one of my main objectives in life, to blend in. I succeed pretty damn well if I do say so myself. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s tapping into my extensive wallflower skills (I’ve been actively practicing them my entire life). That’s probably not something to be proud of, but it’s not like I’ve ever felt like I was missing out on anything. I’m not even sure what I would have missed out on at this point. Love? Maybe. If it exists. But I reallllly don’t want to start that thought process again, on account of the fact that it kept me awake for hours last night. I don’t know.
This will probably prove to be a waste of time, but I can’t really think of anything else to do. I can’t keep thinking all the time. I need to learn how to turn off my thought process. Is that even possible? To just stop thinking? Because, really, that seems ideal at this point.
I wish there was a way to cancel some of my brain waves without cancelling my life.
fun fact:
my old laptop got a really bad virus when i first got it. while getting rid of the virus, the software i was using essentially broke internet explorer. to this day, internet explorer can’t be opened. some may say that anti-virus software failed to beat the virus, i say the software one-upped the virus.
virus gone, internet explorer gone. suck, it virus. win win scenario.
seriously, fuck today. i shouldn’t even bother getting excited for things.
Next time I try to avoid a fight, I guess I’ll just think twice. My fucking bad, apparently it’s just inevitable anyway.
sometimes i need my thoughts to be my own. sometimes i can’t share everything with you. please don’t blow this out of proportion.
